Heart beat

It's rather early in the day for another blog post. Maybe it's gloomy, maybe just all the bad news I have had today that make me have the urge to write another post.

Four month now, since my last entry. The classes this semester went unexpectedly wrong, and well, nothing else went quite right either. Some how I let small things influence me left and right again. I wonder is it because you don't understand anything, or is it that I am just not good enough?

It's a scary thoughts.

Sudden realization, for everything that I do, I am merely just a crappy second hand. Will there be no place for me? For times like this I just want to sleep my day away.

Mystery himself would surely slap me right now.

God, I am such a fool. Fight dammit, fight for it. Show the world. Remember how you believed so fiercely that if you try you can do anything.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it, it's been difficult yea. But I can't quit now.

Beyond the facade

Hey...

It's been a while hasn't it? I guess I am feeling down less and less, that's good, isn't it?

What little excitement I had here has pretty much ended. It's frustrating or me, to dither around in life. Watching days pass me by, suddenly I felt very sad. It's like that I have been alone so often that I am used to it.

Can they do it? Will she break me out of this haze of sorrow that surrounds me. Will I be able to look beyond and smile at the future?

My memories are fading, I hardly remember the details. One day I will forget everything about her, but I will always remember that I loved her.

A scent of hope

I guess that sparkle of hope never died inside me. I feel like such a fool, wavering my mind at such a trivial thing. Perhaps it has always been this way, perhaps all the deceives and lies are all inside my mind. I thought too hard and too much again, I have always required absolute confirmation. For my confidence on this issue is so low that I can't barely the slightest uncertainly.

I wonder what would happen if I just come right out and said it. Would it be good or bad? I don't know. Maybe all those book materials and techniques are too advanced for me. It seems that I should just follow the simplest path.

So here I sit, waiting for the moment to take action again. There is no circles, there is no games, at least not at this stage. There is only innocent and pure love.

A touch of freedom

How do I describe it? It was a fleeing feeling, a burst of excitement like electric through out my body. My mind was numb and I just kept on going, that moment I felt free. That if I set my mind to it, I could have done anything I wanted.

It was brief, but it was satisfying. Two years ago I would only ever dream about doing this thing, yet there I was, blowing away the crowd. It felt good didn't it? To do whatever you wanted? I wish to be free of everything that I built to restrict myself and really set me free.

So fate, you leave it up to me. I will be writing my own story from now on.

The world out there

It's a scary thought. I don't know how I feel about it, or should it even matter?

The truth is I am scared. It adds on to my loneliness, desperation some would say. I would not deny them, my heart heart cries out for any sign of approval. I can't even begin to take the first step to approach some one, it really hurts.

I thought I could go on alone, but it's been so long. How would I keep on believing if nothing has been swinging my way? I hate how happy every one is, I hate the bitter feeling that comes up to me whenever I see a couple holding hands. I ask myself over and over and over and over again, why? Why not me? Why can't I? Where is love for me in this world?

I know I am probably thinking too much. I really wish I have the courage to let some one in my heart. I really wish I can break down my wall for the world out there.

I am trying so hard Kim, you would be proud of me right?

Hello good bye

Hello blog, my mind has been a lot busier due to the endless stream of projects. I sure missed you.

Spend most of my day setting up my web project for enterprise application. Configuring Maven 2 took forever. The root of the project requires a POM.xml which governs the the characteristic of compilation of the project. The structure that Maven demands is different than a Tomcat project. Ostensibly, a lot switching around has to be done in hulling the war files into the container. Nevertheless it compiled successfully after two hours of struggling.

I started trying to do windmills recently. My leg is creating enough momentum, as a result, my right low back have had terrible pain for the last two weeks. I have not been swimming much at all due to the intensity of the training. Here is to my new found respect for Bboys.

A few ago, I received an email from Kim. There is still uncertainty within my words, but I think it's clear now. I have moved on and no longer desire her, whatever she does with her life is none of my concern. She is a lovely creature, sure and she understood me so well. She said all the right things, but... I am not sure if I will ever understand her. It's a passing fancy of two lonely hearts, nothing more.

I say this from the bottom of my heart. I am still lonely, plenty of times I would just sit here and long for a companion. But I will not let that feeling cloud my judgement; I am not the person you used to know. I have changed, and so should you. Good bye Kim Daniels, you were my first love.

A sigh of frustration

It's uncomfortable how frustrated I have been.

I guess I should say it's because of my lack of ability to find a relationship. It's been over 21 years, yet I still can't quite make that first step. It's an amusing yet sad situation; despite my qualifications, no one is willing to try me. It's an awful feeling really, sitting here alone at my computer desk yet again.

What is there for me in the future?

It's almost been two years, I am so tired of trying and trying. Sometimes I almost feel like it's personal. I don't know how much longer can I stand being like this...

Do you recall believing that being alone in the world is what you wished for? It's a scary thing isn't it? Being alone.