Heart beat

It's rather early in the day for another blog post. Maybe it's gloomy, maybe just all the bad news I have had today that make me have the urge to write another post.

Four month now, since my last entry. The classes this semester went unexpectedly wrong, and well, nothing else went quite right either. Some how I let small things influence me left and right again. I wonder is it because you don't understand anything, or is it that I am just not good enough?

It's a scary thoughts.

Sudden realization, for everything that I do, I am merely just a crappy second hand. Will there be no place for me? For times like this I just want to sleep my day away.

Mystery himself would surely slap me right now.

God, I am such a fool. Fight dammit, fight for it. Show the world. Remember how you believed so fiercely that if you try you can do anything.

You can do anything if you put your mind to it, it's been difficult yea. But I can't quit now.

Beyond the facade

Hey...

It's been a while hasn't it? I guess I am feeling down less and less, that's good, isn't it?

What little excitement I had here has pretty much ended. It's frustrating or me, to dither around in life. Watching days pass me by, suddenly I felt very sad. It's like that I have been alone so often that I am used to it.

Can they do it? Will she break me out of this haze of sorrow that surrounds me. Will I be able to look beyond and smile at the future?

My memories are fading, I hardly remember the details. One day I will forget everything about her, but I will always remember that I loved her.

A scent of hope

I guess that sparkle of hope never died inside me. I feel like such a fool, wavering my mind at such a trivial thing. Perhaps it has always been this way, perhaps all the deceives and lies are all inside my mind. I thought too hard and too much again, I have always required absolute confirmation. For my confidence on this issue is so low that I can't barely the slightest uncertainly.

I wonder what would happen if I just come right out and said it. Would it be good or bad? I don't know. Maybe all those book materials and techniques are too advanced for me. It seems that I should just follow the simplest path.

So here I sit, waiting for the moment to take action again. There is no circles, there is no games, at least not at this stage. There is only innocent and pure love.

A touch of freedom

How do I describe it? It was a fleeing feeling, a burst of excitement like electric through out my body. My mind was numb and I just kept on going, that moment I felt free. That if I set my mind to it, I could have done anything I wanted.

It was brief, but it was satisfying. Two years ago I would only ever dream about doing this thing, yet there I was, blowing away the crowd. It felt good didn't it? To do whatever you wanted? I wish to be free of everything that I built to restrict myself and really set me free.

So fate, you leave it up to me. I will be writing my own story from now on.

The world out there

It's a scary thought. I don't know how I feel about it, or should it even matter?

The truth is I am scared. It adds on to my loneliness, desperation some would say. I would not deny them, my heart heart cries out for any sign of approval. I can't even begin to take the first step to approach some one, it really hurts.

I thought I could go on alone, but it's been so long. How would I keep on believing if nothing has been swinging my way? I hate how happy every one is, I hate the bitter feeling that comes up to me whenever I see a couple holding hands. I ask myself over and over and over and over again, why? Why not me? Why can't I? Where is love for me in this world?

I know I am probably thinking too much. I really wish I have the courage to let some one in my heart. I really wish I can break down my wall for the world out there.

I am trying so hard Kim, you would be proud of me right?

Hello good bye

Hello blog, my mind has been a lot busier due to the endless stream of projects. I sure missed you.

Spend most of my day setting up my web project for enterprise application. Configuring Maven 2 took forever. The root of the project requires a POM.xml which governs the the characteristic of compilation of the project. The structure that Maven demands is different than a Tomcat project. Ostensibly, a lot switching around has to be done in hulling the war files into the container. Nevertheless it compiled successfully after two hours of struggling.

I started trying to do windmills recently. My leg is creating enough momentum, as a result, my right low back have had terrible pain for the last two weeks. I have not been swimming much at all due to the intensity of the training. Here is to my new found respect for Bboys.

A few ago, I received an email from Kim. There is still uncertainty within my words, but I think it's clear now. I have moved on and no longer desire her, whatever she does with her life is none of my concern. She is a lovely creature, sure and she understood me so well. She said all the right things, but... I am not sure if I will ever understand her. It's a passing fancy of two lonely hearts, nothing more.

I say this from the bottom of my heart. I am still lonely, plenty of times I would just sit here and long for a companion. But I will not let that feeling cloud my judgement; I am not the person you used to know. I have changed, and so should you. Good bye Kim Daniels, you were my first love.

A sigh of frustration

It's uncomfortable how frustrated I have been.

I guess I should say it's because of my lack of ability to find a relationship. It's been over 21 years, yet I still can't quite make that first step. It's an amusing yet sad situation; despite my qualifications, no one is willing to try me. It's an awful feeling really, sitting here alone at my computer desk yet again.

What is there for me in the future?

It's almost been two years, I am so tired of trying and trying. Sometimes I almost feel like it's personal. I don't know how much longer can I stand being like this...

Do you recall believing that being alone in the world is what you wished for? It's a scary thing isn't it? Being alone.

Headache

This is going to be an interesting semester.

Considering the amount of parties I have attended, I really should have spent more time on my homework. Right now I am banning my head trying to figure out a html parser.

I just had a second wind. I should have been using JSP for html parsing all this time. Not only javascript is unsafe for such operation, I am also more familiar with JSP.

So basically I need to download the webpage, then use the parser to locate the items I wanted, then put those items in a database. After that I need to pull those data out and put them on Google map.

1. Downloading a webpage (1 hours)
2. Locate the html file via JSP cobra (10 hours)
3. Locate the event tags (2 hours)
4. Create JDBC drivers (5 hours)
5. Use SQL to commit to the database (3 hours)
6. Pull out the data SQL (1 hour)
7. Process the events via Google search (10 hours)
8. Filter the events based user setting (3 hours)
9. Map them on Google map. (5 hours)

totally roughly 37 hours. Maybe do-able if everything works out right during the spring break

Hey life!

I am sitting in the student center cafeteria writing this. My college life is slowly coming to an end, it still feels like I just came here a few days ago. I will surely miss this place from the Sting bus to the CRC. Thinking about what is a head of me, I am a little afraid; I don't really see a particular option that interest me. I am still lingering in the limbo, It's crazy that I am all grown up.

But like I said myself, focus on today and tomorrow. Even though it's full of uncertainties, maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe, I will be able to grasp this chance and make it a pleasant memory. I don't know will this lead to, I don't even know it's possible for me right now. But I do know that if I don't act now, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Hey life, I love everything you gave me. I won't let a thing pass me by.

New year resolution

Say "I Love you" []

Learn at least 2 forms of dances []

Graduate with High Honor []

Rock the dance floor at a club []

Gain up to 135 pounds []

Stop thinking everything so much []

Stop taking life too seriously []

Earn a 4.0 in a semester []

Alone and not afriad

I am writing this 2 hours after the big birthday party for her. It was so ridiculous, I can't even think about it. Yet it made me see what I can do, and I can really change if I choose to.

Two years ago I would have never even considered going to a night club alone and have a good time. Today it happened, I went by myself to her birthday party without knowing any one there. When I reached the entrance they asked for my password. PASSWORD?! Once again luck was with me when a guy behind told me the password, I can't thank him enough for that.

So there I was, no idea what I was getting myself into. I know I was the better dancer there, but fear holds me back in place. Still, I flash a move here and there to the crowd.

She arrives, glamorously with her swarm of friends. She sat down, calmly drank and smoked a cigarette. Then, to my absolute amazement, jumped into the center stage and rocked the dance floor. All the guys are upon her, there was no room for me. Pitiful little me thought I could show her how fun I could be, it shouldn't have turned out like this. I tried as hard as I could, getting some props here and there, but after all I couldn't bring myself to the center of the attention. I don't have the nerves. I dipped out early without saying a good bye, I doubt she was really conscious anyways.

So here I am again, my ear is still buzzing. I burst out a tire on my way back, which I am sure is a lot of trouble for my parents. I am sorry, really really sorry, I do not regret going one bit. I felt a live doing something crazy, I felt good on the dance floor. Regardless of people paid any attention to me or not. The most important part is: the realization that there is no winning or losing in life. If you have the mindset of going out with a specific goal, then it will be almost impossible for you to have fun.

Even though I was alone for most of the night, who cares. They just don't understand me, and that's ok. I am alone and not afraid.

Shot me down

I will always left behind wondering about this one.

Maybe I didn't generate enough interest, I admit that I did poorly on this set. However I was given a whole lot of IOI. In fact I was certain that she won't shot me down, it never occur once in my mind that some one would say no. She said "No, thanks" never skipping a beat, and it left me scrambling to recover with a bad time constrain.

Lets look at what I did wrong. First, the target wasn't optimal in the first place. I have known her for a long time and I never bothered to generate interest earlier. This sudden rush of feeling probably made her feel like I was just taking shots in the dark with no genuine interest in her. Secondly, I was basically forcing the issue since I was following her around after class. Which by itself is a big no no. You are never ever supposed to follow a girl around. You are giving her too much frame control and you are letting her assume the position of Alpha PLUS she will think that you are unable to come up with interesting things to do yourself. When I was with her, all the above occurred and then she probably did not have a positive feeling. BUT I felt like she did not have a chance to say no, given that I felt that I was several leagues above her and there was no reason she would reject me.

WRONG again! That type of mindset is ostensibly a good thing, however you MUST express it as well. If you are acting one way then thinking the other, you are bound to get bad results. You must act like you are the prize if you are going to think you are the prize. What I did was think that I was the prize but I did not show it, instead I followed her around then popped the question.

All in all I did not really care. It was good experience to see what I did wrong and what not.

A feeling of disappointment

I had so much hope for this one...

People, people will not change simply over days or month. It takes years and years of experience to make even the slightest change in their personality. There is no more hope in me now, all I see is a collection of failure. She is the avatar of everything I despise, why must something so bright be so flawed at the same time? I don't understand.

My best guess is that maybe those people just gave up on self improvement, a mentality that ultimately leads to failure. To stop improving is anonymousness to stop growing, it's like a tree that will never reach fruition. A sad sight to behold, arrogant as I sound, I will never stop improving.

How I looked gay.

What happened?

Ever since that book, something fundamental changed about my take on life. It's didn't happen over night, but it was fast enough that my old friend was shocked when he saw me the other day. He literally waved his hands up and down, and told me: "What is all this? You look American," then almost as an after thought: "you look gay."

Of course I didn't take offense, after all that's what guy friends say when when one of their friend start to take up on style & fashion. My hair style changed as of last year; it is now swept to the side inside of right down the middle. I started wearing jeans and polos like normal people, and more recently experimenting with slim-fit jackets and shirts that complements the overall color scheme. Plus a necklace that I wear as my accessory (It always gets complemented at parties, girls love it)

Honestly speaking I like this change, and I am excited to see where it is going. Maybe just maybe, I will escape my past.

What am I look for?

This has been in my head for days now, I can't exactly find a reason why.

I think somewhere in between the realm of reason and insanity, I am tricking myself with a well known PUA technique. I made the mistake when I started planning that day, the scene kept replaying in my head and unconsciously I felt like we have been through a lot. Even though I just barely know her.

So now I am hopelessly attached to some one whom I don't really know much about. But one thing I know for certain; I need to be very careful about relationships. She clearly has not moved on from her ex even though it's four years ago.

I don't get it, I really don't see much quality in her from a logical point of view. She is not my usual type; she has a tattoo on her arm, she is loquacious, and she seems like the kind of girl who would go clubbing even though there is a test next day. So why am I so interested in her? Is it because the simple possibility that she seemed interested in me as well? I know I am just fooling myself, no sane girl would cry about her ex the night before her Valentine date. She is clearly not dating material, the best solution is to just keep her as a friend.

So now that we are talking about standards, what some are my standards for my ideal date. Well, even after all those years of loneliness, I still have quite a high bar for girls. Which isn't exactly a good thing, consider the school I am going to is 70% guys.

What I am looking for in a girl...I always thought I would meet her while playing music, and she would just go on and on about music. She would be sophisticated but in also weird; like maybe she would have balancing issues or really afraid of the dark. She should have an open mind about things, and fairly independent. She needs to be sensitive and romantic, but also sarcastic when the situation calls for it. She would remember important dates like Birthday days and anniversary and be extremely good at giving gifts. She would walk beside me when I am collecting my thoughts on a long walk. She would do crazy things with me when I ask her, such as driving 30 miles to watch the sky...

Isn't that a crazy list? I wonder if this world has some one crazy enough to have me.

Another night

It's has always been a weird feeling.

My heart is telling me one thing, my head another.

Don't know which is right, don't know what to do.

I have all those things to say, but how can I say them.