A sigh of frustration

It's uncomfortable how frustrated I have been.

I guess I should say it's because of my lack of ability to find a relationship. It's been over 21 years, yet I still can't quite make that first step. It's an amusing yet sad situation; despite my qualifications, no one is willing to try me. It's an awful feeling really, sitting here alone at my computer desk yet again.

What is there for me in the future?

It's almost been two years, I am so tired of trying and trying. Sometimes I almost feel like it's personal. I don't know how much longer can I stand being like this...

Do you recall believing that being alone in the world is what you wished for? It's a scary thing isn't it? Being alone.

Headache

This is going to be an interesting semester.

Considering the amount of parties I have attended, I really should have spent more time on my homework. Right now I am banning my head trying to figure out a html parser.

I just had a second wind. I should have been using JSP for html parsing all this time. Not only javascript is unsafe for such operation, I am also more familiar with JSP.

So basically I need to download the webpage, then use the parser to locate the items I wanted, then put those items in a database. After that I need to pull those data out and put them on Google map.

1. Downloading a webpage (1 hours)
2. Locate the html file via JSP cobra (10 hours)
3. Locate the event tags (2 hours)
4. Create JDBC drivers (5 hours)
5. Use SQL to commit to the database (3 hours)
6. Pull out the data SQL (1 hour)
7. Process the events via Google search (10 hours)
8. Filter the events based user setting (3 hours)
9. Map them on Google map. (5 hours)

totally roughly 37 hours. Maybe do-able if everything works out right during the spring break

Hey life!

I am sitting in the student center cafeteria writing this. My college life is slowly coming to an end, it still feels like I just came here a few days ago. I will surely miss this place from the Sting bus to the CRC. Thinking about what is a head of me, I am a little afraid; I don't really see a particular option that interest me. I am still lingering in the limbo, It's crazy that I am all grown up.

But like I said myself, focus on today and tomorrow. Even though it's full of uncertainties, maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe, I will be able to grasp this chance and make it a pleasant memory. I don't know will this lead to, I don't even know it's possible for me right now. But I do know that if I don't act now, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Hey life, I love everything you gave me. I won't let a thing pass me by.

New year resolution

Say "I Love you" []

Learn at least 2 forms of dances []

Graduate with High Honor []

Rock the dance floor at a club []

Gain up to 135 pounds []

Stop thinking everything so much []

Stop taking life too seriously []

Earn a 4.0 in a semester []

Alone and not afriad

I am writing this 2 hours after the big birthday party for her. It was so ridiculous, I can't even think about it. Yet it made me see what I can do, and I can really change if I choose to.

Two years ago I would have never even considered going to a night club alone and have a good time. Today it happened, I went by myself to her birthday party without knowing any one there. When I reached the entrance they asked for my password. PASSWORD?! Once again luck was with me when a guy behind told me the password, I can't thank him enough for that.

So there I was, no idea what I was getting myself into. I know I was the better dancer there, but fear holds me back in place. Still, I flash a move here and there to the crowd.

She arrives, glamorously with her swarm of friends. She sat down, calmly drank and smoked a cigarette. Then, to my absolute amazement, jumped into the center stage and rocked the dance floor. All the guys are upon her, there was no room for me. Pitiful little me thought I could show her how fun I could be, it shouldn't have turned out like this. I tried as hard as I could, getting some props here and there, but after all I couldn't bring myself to the center of the attention. I don't have the nerves. I dipped out early without saying a good bye, I doubt she was really conscious anyways.

So here I am again, my ear is still buzzing. I burst out a tire on my way back, which I am sure is a lot of trouble for my parents. I am sorry, really really sorry, I do not regret going one bit. I felt a live doing something crazy, I felt good on the dance floor. Regardless of people paid any attention to me or not. The most important part is: the realization that there is no winning or losing in life. If you have the mindset of going out with a specific goal, then it will be almost impossible for you to have fun.

Even though I was alone for most of the night, who cares. They just don't understand me, and that's ok. I am alone and not afraid.

Shot me down

I will always left behind wondering about this one.

Maybe I didn't generate enough interest, I admit that I did poorly on this set. However I was given a whole lot of IOI. In fact I was certain that she won't shot me down, it never occur once in my mind that some one would say no. She said "No, thanks" never skipping a beat, and it left me scrambling to recover with a bad time constrain.

Lets look at what I did wrong. First, the target wasn't optimal in the first place. I have known her for a long time and I never bothered to generate interest earlier. This sudden rush of feeling probably made her feel like I was just taking shots in the dark with no genuine interest in her. Secondly, I was basically forcing the issue since I was following her around after class. Which by itself is a big no no. You are never ever supposed to follow a girl around. You are giving her too much frame control and you are letting her assume the position of Alpha PLUS she will think that you are unable to come up with interesting things to do yourself. When I was with her, all the above occurred and then she probably did not have a positive feeling. BUT I felt like she did not have a chance to say no, given that I felt that I was several leagues above her and there was no reason she would reject me.

WRONG again! That type of mindset is ostensibly a good thing, however you MUST express it as well. If you are acting one way then thinking the other, you are bound to get bad results. You must act like you are the prize if you are going to think you are the prize. What I did was think that I was the prize but I did not show it, instead I followed her around then popped the question.

All in all I did not really care. It was good experience to see what I did wrong and what not.

A feeling of disappointment

I had so much hope for this one...

People, people will not change simply over days or month. It takes years and years of experience to make even the slightest change in their personality. There is no more hope in me now, all I see is a collection of failure. She is the avatar of everything I despise, why must something so bright be so flawed at the same time? I don't understand.

My best guess is that maybe those people just gave up on self improvement, a mentality that ultimately leads to failure. To stop improving is anonymousness to stop growing, it's like a tree that will never reach fruition. A sad sight to behold, arrogant as I sound, I will never stop improving.